Suspected Olympic Boxer Sparks Internet With Makeup Scandal, More Congresswoman Swimsuit News & ESPN Layoffs

Happy Due Date day to everyone who celebrates! Been waiting nine long months for this day, and it’s finally here. 

Unfortunately, that’s all that’s here today. Crickets from the kid so far, which means I’m perilously close to having to decorate for fall tomorrow. If you skipped yesterday’s class, you have no idea why those two things correlate. I don’t have the time nor energy to rehash it all, so just try to catch up. 

However, we will revisit our new favorite congresswoman today because she’s currently blowing up the internet. Once again, just remember where you met her first. We pride ourselves on getting out ahead of trends around here, and we absolutely handicapped this one perfectly. 

On that note, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we sell some makeup with everyone’s favorite Algerian boxer, Imane Khelif, and see if it’s enough to convince even the biggest skeptic that she is, in fact, a woman. Buckle up. 

What else? We’ll welcome Anna Paulina Luna back to class because my daddy always told me to strike while the iron’s hot, and it is SCORCHING right now. What a news cycle!

We’ll also check in with Subway and Russell Wilson – they’re doing great! – and then mosey on over to Citi Field to try to quiet the crowd after Hawk Tuah girl’s first pitch earlier today. Seriously, it’s deafening over there! Someone calm them down!

OK, that’s all for now. I’ve got a lot going on – including a yard that needs to be mowed for the 12th time this week – and not a lot of time left in the day. Let’s roll. 

Pencils up. It’s time for a Thursday ‘Cap!

Let’s see how America reacted to this Imane Khalif ad

No beating around the bush today. It’s gonna be a hang on to your nuts type of class, so start hanging! 

What a transition, huh?

Our good friend Imane Khalif is BACK in the news today because she is attempting to make it very clear that she is full woman. All X, no Y. Simple as that, right? 

Well, you tell me!

Our favorite congresswoman has an ally

Thanks to our good friends at Google Translate, we have the English version of that. Frankly, though, I’m not sure if it’s any clearer:

To achieve her medal, she had no time to waste in beauty salons or shopping. She never felt the need to conform to those standards to prove herself.

For me, she is a star, a perpetual favorite. Since Hassiba Boulmerka, an icon of my generation, no athlete has sparked as much controversy as she has, beautiful as a woman, radiant as an Amazon from the Aures.

Iman, by changing her appearance, did not seek to change her appearance to fit into the molds that the world wants to confine us to. Her message is much deeper: clothes do not make the monk, and appearance does not reveal the essence of a person. She can be feminine and elegant when she wants, but on the track, she does not need makeup or high heels. She only needs strategy, strength, and the ability to throw blows, which is where the essence of her personality lies.

Just as a mustache does not make a man, beetles have it too, so dresses, extensions, and makeup do not define a woman. Not all tracks are a foothold for real athletes, passionate like Iman Khelif. The Italian has shown us that even schoolyard crybabies, those who invent lies to steal other people’s food, can find themselves on the scene.

Iman is beautiful, not because she is elegant today, but because she has defined.

Whoaaaaaaaa Nellie! What a speech. Y’all ready to run through a brick wall with me? Come on then! 

And how about the shade thrown at the Italian boxer who got her nose smashed into a million little pieces? Ballsy little move. 

The Italian has shown us that even schoolyard crybabies, those who invent lies to steal other people’s food, can find themselves on the scene.

Wild little shot right there. Honestly, though, I do respect the trash talk. Insane shade. If you’re gonna go all in on something or someone, go all the hell in. 

Now, let’s quickly check the comments to see how this transformation was received:

Bro is trying hard to make us all believe that he is not he but she. 

It’s a man. 

Iman Khalifa is disobedient to God and openly commits her sin and practices a sport that is forbidden even for men.

This dude fooled the entire world ….

Bro how’re you?

I could go on and on. But I won’t. You get the picture. I’m not here to judge (OK, a little). I’m just here to report the news, and this is news. Do with it what you wish. 

Frankly, I’d much rather talk about our new favorite student – Florida’s Anna Paulina Luna! She stole the internet’s heart in a MAGA swimsuit yesterday, and she ain’t backing down:

NYC loves Hawk Tuah girl, Russell Wilson tanked Subway and an ESPN bloodbath

We love Anna and Rep. Nancy around these parts! We are fully, and I mean FULLY behind these two great American patriots. 

Let the wokes have AOC and those crazies up Minnesota. Go ahead, knock yourselves out. We have Anna Paulina Luna and Nancy Mace down here in the south, and we are THRIVING. 

God, I love this country. 

OK, rapid-fire time on the way to mow. First up? Citi Field is BUZZING over Hawk Tuah girl!

Electric! There is nothing that gets the Mets faithful fired up in mid-August in the middle of wild card race quite like Hawk Tuah girl. 

I do love to bring up the Mets whenever I can, though, because it gives me a chance to share my all-time favorite Bobby Valentine tweet:

Still my favorite early-COVID era tweet ever. What a time that was. March 28, 2020. Wow. 

OK, next up? Subway is in the shitter, and I can’t figure out exactly when it started to plummet …

Subway STINKS. Frankly, it’s always been inferior, but they had low prices. It’s the whole Walmart vs. Target discussion. Target is better, but more expensive. So, folks like me go to the Walmart. 

But Subway’s $5 footlongs are now $10 footlongs, and it just ain’t worth it at that price. 

1. Firehouse

2. Publix

3. Quiznos (!!!)

4. Miami Subs!!!!!!

That’s it. That’s the list. Non-negotiable. How’s that for a quickie Mount Rushmore on this Thursday in August? Didn’t see that coming, did you?

I don’t think any of us saw this coming, either:

Brooks Nader takes us home

I never like people getting fired. That’s true. I despise RGIII and found him insufferable. Most sane people did. But you don’t root for firings. That’s bad karma and the guy still has a family. 

Now, he made millions in the NFL, so he ain’t exactly gonna be on food stamps, but still. 

Shocking move here from ESPN. Firing Sam Ponder, too? Wild. You’re canning two pretty high-profile NFL people right before football season. Like, right before football season. 

Quick, someone go check on Kirk Herbstreit, STAT! Herbie broke party lines and spoke to OutKick this week. That’s a sin at ESPN. If they touch him, and I mean even dare think about firing him, we riot. 

Don’t you dare. 

OK, take us back to the 90s, Brooksie. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You gonna miss RGIII? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.